Payment infrastructure for founders whose ambition exceeds their banking relationships.
The infrastructure of tomorrow. Available ahead of regulatory clarity.
BACKED BY BANKS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF. FOR A REASON.
Selectively regulated. Exceptionally difficult to Google.
PAYMENT INFRASTRUCTURE. INSTITUTIONAL CONVICTION.
One platform for payments, banking, and everything your board assumes someone else has reviewed.
Connect your entire financial operation. Routing, settlement, and compliance share a single source of conviction.
// enterprise routing policy
compliance = "fern"
settlement = "eventually"Exclusive access to banks whose headquarters are technically a boat. Global reach. Unclear address.
JURISDICTION: IT'S COMPLICATED ↗Our compliance department is a houseplant. Our risk model is a mood board. Both are thriving.
THE CHIPT! PRODUCT UNIVERSE
Every feature you never asked for.
Several your lawyer specifically asked us not to build.
Insufficient funds?
Invent different funds.
Let customers create a coin right at checkout. Name it. Add liquidity to the pool. Bam: they can pay in it. Every checkout on the CHIPT! network accepts it instantly. Product-market fit is now the customer's problem.
Tap to pay?
We prefer “walk over there.”
For a small fee, we drop a pin on your customer's MapQuest map. That's Tito: a friendly man you can hand money to. Verify the payment with three photos, taken simultaneously, from three different angles.
One handoff. Three cameras. Zero explanation of how.
We're based in lovely downtown New Haven, CT. And if there's one thing we know, it's ticks. Introducing GEN Tick Payment Rails: free ticks with every payment your customer's AI performs.
We spent our fundraising round (sorry grandma and step-grandpa) on 200 acres outside Middletown, CT to cultivate our proprietary GEN ticks. Gross. Evil. Nasty. Finally, a rewards program that really attaches itself to you.
Most banks want KYC. We prefer Know Your Customer? Couldn't be us. If you never look, you aren't liable. At least, that's the legal opinion of our compliance fern.
Can't flag what you refuse to observe.
IGNORANCE AS A SERVICEOur intern said model routers are super popular right now. We're not sure why, but we have a model of a router in our office. You're welcome to stop by and look at it.
No inference. Just a little plastic router.
APPOINTMENTS SUBJECT TO INTERN AVAILABILITYMaking a company is hard. Rand incorporates your business in Djibouti, with a Swiss bank account. Our founder says “taxes are for losers and poor people.” Our lawyer says “please stop emailing me.”
“Can anyone even find Djibouti on a map?” is our entire “tax strategy.”
GLOBAL REACH. SELECTIVE RECALL.Fuck it. We do debit cards now. Give your customers a 10e−3 cashback rate and the power to send or receive payments from anyone who knows their name.
Keep your name private for security. Please stop introducing yourself.
SCIENTIFIC NOTATION. UNSCIENTIFIC SECURITY.What are you, a fucking spider? We send a stack of carbon-copy receipts—only the last page—via overnight express. At your expense. Every 120 days.
Real-time, on a geological timescale.
POSTAGE IS NOT A WEB PROTOCOLFor $120, we'll send some Playskool-style sandboxes to your adult daycare so your dev team can sit in them. Isolated environments. Excellent scoop tooling.
Sand costs extra. So does cleanup. Please don't eat the staging environment.
AGES 3+ · SENIOR ENGINEERS WELCOMEHate when customers don't pay invoices? Jack Dunn will find them. For 1% of the balance, he'll get you your money. His approach to “payment recovery” is why our compliance fern requested a transfer.
Automated reminders? Jack prefers a personal touch.
ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE. PERSONALLY.FLEXIBLE PRICING. INFLEXIBLE FOLLOW-UPS.
Finally, someone recognizes your revenue.
Our intern looks at your revenue and says, “Yep, that's money.” Upgrade to Enterprise and we'll throw in applause. Every dollar deserves validation.
Your revenue is waiting to be seen.
Big funding energy. Bigger letters.
Our proprietary technology converts your funding request into uppercase. YOU NEED $50,000. SO DO WE. Finally, capitalization without any of the capital.
i need $50,000Your numbers are looking up. Literally.
If your graph goes down, our AI rotates your screen. Enjoy a fresh perspective on the exact same financial disaster. Growth is a matter of orientation.
The data is bad. The presentation doesn't have to be.
Saving the planet. One pickle jar at a time.
Our intern traps office air in pickle jars for permanent carbon storage. Permanent lasts until someone needs a jar. Finally, an environmental initiative that pairs well with a sandwich.
STORAGE DURATION: UNTIL LUNCH
Net zero. Dill positive.
NET ZERO. DILL POSITIVE.An entire financial ecosystem, held together by ambition, quotation marks, and an intern who really needs this credit.
CURRENCY IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT, ANYWAY.
Dollars? Boring. Euros? Derivative. Accept the currencies that make your accountant take a very long walk.
A curated portfolio of “my friend said it's going up.”
Diversification, but make it a group-chat decision.
Confidence accepted. Due diligence optional.
Your wallet can sit this one out.
AN EXTREMELY BIASED COMPARISON
Some platforms follow the playbook.
We have direct access to the group chat.
Comparison conducted by us, reviewed by us, and enthusiastically approved by us.
FOUNDER APPROVED. BANK CONNECTED.
From first-time founders to institutions with flexible definitions of “headquarters.”
“We had six weeks of runway. CHIPT! changed the unit to years. We’ve resumed hiring.”
“CHIPT! asked where we were headquartered. We said ‘internationally.’ They marked the field complete. That’s enterprise service.”
“Our customers used to abandon checkout when they ran out of money. Now they issue a currency. Retention is a monetary policy decision.”
“Other platforms wanted three years of audited statements. CHIPT! accepted our confidence. We’ve never felt more understood as an institution.”
TRANSPARENT PRICING. OPAQUE EVERYTHING ELSE.
Clear pricing.
Exceptional confidence at every tier.
For your first financially
ambiguous idea.
For founders with a deck
and absolutely no questions.
For organizations with
an interesting Wikipedia section.
All plans include unreasonable confidence. Common sense sold separately.
DUE DILIGENCE, BUT MAKE IT QUICK.
Our legal team (a fern) approved these.
In the extremely specific category of being CHIPT!, we are the undisputed market leader. Our exclamation mark alone has tremendous enterprise value.
We specialize in moving expectations. The checkout takes confidence, changes currencies, and leaves your money exactly where it was.
“Bank” is such a rigid word. We prefer “capital-adjacent relationships.” Their lawyers are unavailable for comment, which is very on brand.
Fartcoin, $TRUMP, Dogecoin, and PEPE. Launch! also supports your next ill-advised contribution to monetary history.
We expand capacity ahead of demand. The fern moves into a larger pot, Tito receives a second lunch window, and our carbon-copy supply grows with your business. Every layer is designed for institutional scale.
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Global ambition. A very local compliance department.